Category Archives: Acceptance

Pause. Breathe. Release.

Posted on by under Acceptance, Personal Growth, Recovery, Stress Relief

Three easy reminders/tips for stress-free living.

Have you ever been so wound up or agitated over something that didn’t go your way that you felt like you were either going to erupt in an angry outburst, spewing molten words like lava incinerating anyone in your path or implode like a dying star or a submarine that drifted too deep? Or perhaps you felt like a ball of string so tightly spooled that you couldn’t find either end to even begin to unwind?

I know I have. Many times.

Yet, no matter how spiritually fit or grounded or calm I think I am I still get uptight over some of the tiniest things such as traffic, long lines, being placed on hold forever while waiting to talk to a customer service rep at the DMV or tech support for internet service. And I often feel the same negative emotions—frustration, anger, resentment, when others fall short of my “reasonable” expectations.

Then there is the slew of standards I have of myself to hit my goals, to be a decent human, and to do what I said I was going to do even when I don’t want to. My frequent problem is that I am driven and sometimes my drive to succeed gets in the way of my own success.

my expectations are inversely proportional to my level of serenity…unless I learn to let go of my expectations I will not be at peace.

I read something in recovery literature a while ago that has stuck (sorry I can’t find the exact reference), to paraphrase it said that my expectations are inversely proportional to my level of serenity. That unless I learn to let go of my expectations I will not be at peace.

The first time I read it I could feel the hair stand up on the back of my neck and a snarl form on my upper lip. How dare they (whoever they are), tell me I can’t expect things of myself or others? Don’t they know how driven I am? How hard I try to be the best human I can be? Is it really too much to expect others to do the same?

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Those few lines poked at me like a sticker in my sock.

90% of my stress is rooted in some form of self-centered fear often triggered by unmet or unrealistic expectations.

90% of my stress is rooted in some form of self-centered fear often triggered by unmet or unrealistic expectations. It took many years of therapy and recovery to not just figure that out but to accept it and to begin to change how I respond to situations that don’t go my way.

And, I am still working on it. Probably will be for the rest of my life.

So, what can we do to combat the inevitable anger, sadness, fear of missing out or rejection, or disappointment that will continue to arise in our lives?

It’s easy—develop a new response. New habits.

Well, that sounds easy but what exactly does that mean? I’m glad you asked.

Three things:

  1. Pause. When agitated take a deep breath and exhale. Say or do nothing foolish, merely focus on your breath.
  2. Breathe. Yes, that is part of #1. But it needs to be intentionally controlled. For example, take a series of three — 10 breaths. Breathing in slowly and then exhaling slowly. It would also benefit to practice yoga and some form of prayer or meditation. But in the heat of the moment, I doubt you have your yoga mat handy, instead, you can pause and breathe wherever you are.
  3. Release. As you practice one and two above bring your focus onto the deep exhale and release all that negativity. The stress. The fear. the anger. The sadness. Imagine it draining out of you as flushing the toilet after a big shit. Then close the lid, wash your hands and go about your day.

These three tips can be effective in the short term, but the emotional attachment and reactions we have to stressors will continue to return and will never completely go away until we find their source.

Another key I learned in personal study, therapy, recovery, and practice is to not fight the feelings when they arise. To feel the anger, the fear, and the sadness, and rather than resisting it, ask a question.

Ask, what is this trying to teach me right now?

Ask, what is this trying to teach me right now? Then sit with it and find a safe place to release your feelings.

Lastly, you may want to seek professional help, especially for ongoing problems. As a good friend says you don’t have to do it alone. Help is just a phone call away. 911 operators will say, “help is on the way.”

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Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash.

The Power of Parental Love

Posted on by under Acceptance, Father's Day, Fatherhood, Fathers, Forgiveness, Love, Parenting

Nothing is more powerful to the life and self-esteem of a child than knowing they are loved and accepted by their parents.

While mothers often get most of the credit as the nurturers in a family, dads play a vital role in loving their kids too. Unfortunately, most guys have a hard time showing their feelings, of being vulnerable. This is largely due to gender stereotypes and patterns passed down from generation to generation. That’s not always the case but generally, it’s much more difficult for dads to show affection in the form of empathy and compassion to their kids than it is for moms.

But there is one thing that has a direct impact on a child’s long-term well-being, self-esteem, and sense of worth in the world. It’s one word that is more powerful than any other form of encouragement we can give our children.

That one word is LOVE.

With Father’s Day fast here many people have mixed emotions about their dads.

For years I was angry at my dad for abandoning me, my two younger brothers, and my mom when I was twelve years old. Even though my mom was there, I felt completely alone.

I was a shy, introverted kid who had done well in school and my world had just been turned upside down. To mask the feelings of emptiness, I turned to drugs and alcohol to escape. I went from being a good kid who felt loved to a recluse on a self-destructive path that nearly cost me my life.

At twenty-two, the wheels came off the wagon. My life was slipping into a pit of alcoholic despair. I even briefly entertained thoughts of ending it all, but a greeting card changed the direction of my life.

One afternoon I came to and saw an envelope on my nightstand. Inside was a simple greeting card with penguins standing on an iceberg. In the middle was one lone sunburnt penguin standing in the middle.

Inside the card read,

Son,

You are one in a million.

I love you too much to watch you die.

Please get help.

Love, Mom.

That card was a lifeline.

Shortly after I went into rehab and began to heal.

But as I began the process of recovery, I still had feelings of anger and resentment toward my dad. Part of my recovery required me to forgive him. To let go of the anger I had toward him. I tried, multiple times, but anytime I faced stress or doubt or confusion, the anger returned.

Then I became a dad. In many ways, I tried to be the dad I thought I’d lost. I did my best to play catch with my son. To show up for his baseball games. To be there for him and not repeat the mistakes of my dad.

Sadly, my first marriage didn’t last. But we both made a commitment to keep loving our son no matter what.

We all make mistakes and sometimes we have to remember to forgive ourselves and others.

I did the best I could by being present in my son’s life and showing how much I love him. I do the same for my stepkids and they all have turned out to be fine adults.

One day after work, I got a call from my mom that my dad was in the hospital. It had been two years since I saw him. The next day, I went to visit him.

As I turned the corner and peeked into his room, I felt a lump in my throat. My dad lay in a gown staring out the window at a mighty oak. As I entered the room he turned and said, “Shawn! So good to see you.” Though he was smiling, his gaunt face covered with salt and pepper stubble, made me take pause. He’s dying and I need to heal old wounds I thought.

We had a wonderful conversation, and I finally felt the connection I’d lost for too many years.

He left me with the most important words any child could hear,

“I love you son. I’ve always loved you, boys. I’m sorry we didn’t get to see each other more.”

This father’s day, if your dad is still around or if you’re a dad, I encourage you to let go of any harsh feelings, call or send a note and say these three powerful simple words,


“I love you.”

“Thy will, not mine, be done.”

Posted on by under Acceptance, Faith, God's will, Recovery, Uncategorized

I awoke four times in the middle of the night to pee. 

One o’clock, two o’clock, three.

Woke up the last time at 4:04. “Sorry, go back to sleep.”I said to my wife as she rolled out of bed, heading for the door.

Too early to think with a head so foggy, only five hours of sleep – I still feel groggy. 

Yet after she got up and quietly closed the door, I thought briefly of hitting the floor. Instead, my mind took off. The starting gun had fired. Why does my mind do that, when I’m so very tired?

I made some coffee and began to think, my mind wandered off in self-will- to that dangerous neighborhood, where thoughts usually stink.

I paused, sipped my coffee, and grabbed my phone. Not for Facebook, email, or reading. No. Instead I began to write a few words- in search of a meaning.

Why was I awake at this cold dark hour? Perhaps it was to be still, let go of self-will and ask God for help; to do what I know works best- to turn my day over to my higher power.

Yes, that’s what I believe, because things happen for a reason. Even if I don’t know why, I’m beginning a new season. Christmas is over and the new year draws near. I’m practicing living without any fear. 

It starts by me asking God for courage, guidance, and strength. In a morning prayer where I let go, turn it over and say, “Thy will, not mine be done.” 

Happy New Year all! Now let’s have some fun!

How can we be grateful amidst so much hate?

Posted on by under Acceptance, Contentment, Gratitude, Justice, Kindness

As the winds of change blow through and through, we look around to others and social media for what to do. Caught in the cross-fire of justice and hatred, we each have our own opinions and passion for what we believe to be just and true. When we feel slighted some will rise up and fight. Some may lash out at those whose views stand in direct opposition to our own.

I propose we set our sails into the wind and avoid the craggy shore of the “Alcatraz” of hate and predjudice.

I have been quiet for fear of offending and being subjected to criticism.

I can remain quiet no more.

We all have freedom of speech-freedom of choice.

We do not have to agree.

I am going to share a few opinions that may be in direct opposition to your own.That is a risk I am willing to take. I am not going to discuss political right or wrong  nor where I stand on the spectrum.  I will, however, say my position and perspective, is much the same as the late Martin Luther King Jr.. He fought for justice but was careful to come from a place of love, not hate. He has so many poignant quotes on how to address conflict. Here are a few of my favorites:

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend. We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?'”
see more at:
MLK Jr. Quotes
I could write a thousand words and pack it full of quotes of this great man who fought so valiantly for human rights and dignity of the human soul.
His last quote, “What are you doing for others?” to me, is about personal responsibility. It is not about selfish gain nor retribution and justice. It, ultimately, is about being grateful for our own blessings and liberties, and using our resources to help others.
Not everyone wants or needs help. But I propose that everyone wants and needs love and acceptance. We need to be the change we seek. We need to share love.
As we roll into the holiday season, of Thanksgiving and Christmas, I take pause to look back at all I have been blessed with:
Freedom of choice, freedom of speech, freedom of religion. I am healthy and have more resources than I need– a home, love, a brain, sobriety, faith, and the capacity to forgive. I am blessed with family and friends who love me and  have been able to share their joy as my kids become responsible mature adults; everyone of voting age in our family exercised their right to vote. I am also filled with laughter as my stepson makes goofy snapchats and provides levity to our home to lighten the mood when we occasionally get bogged down in the day-to-day grind of work and responsibility.
I am grateful that I can skim past most of the propaganda and crap circulating on Facebook and other social media. I do my best to sift through the layers of crap, however, I often bristle at how freedom of speech and choice has driven a wedged between friends. I pause when something rubs me the wrong way then feel energized to do something about it. By holding true to my own beliefs of justice and equality, I choose to exercise my freedom of speech and write about it.
My stance is, and likely will always be, what can I do to be part of the solution and not the problem.
My answer is this-love people, where they are even if their view differs from mine.
This is challenging especially since most of my life I have been a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, uninformed, arm-chair critic. If I didn’t agree with something someone said or they did something different than what I thought was th “right” way, I would do it, I would speak up; often very loudly and in a condescending way.
I see far too much conflict and spite being slung around on Facebook. People getting worked up about partial truths. It has become increasingly difficult to separate fact from crap. All I want is the truth and justice. Cut the bullshit.
I am not immune to falling into this trap and am guilty of getting worked up over stuff that I have very little information about. Sometimes I will pause and look at something more objectively, but that is a rarity. When I consciously do step back, I can’t help but wonder if there is a powerful force at work instigating division among us all; a force in direct opposition to unity and peace.
Regardless, I get sucked into the fear vortex; worrying about a series of what ifs.
I agree, we need be mindful of being stripped of our liberty and freedom. But I also have a personal responsibility to get the facts straight before getting all worked up over a series future-tripping fears.
Please do not discount what I am saying as being opposed to those who choose to fight for justice. I want justice, but more than that I want the truth.
“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.” MLK Jr.
What I am saying is that when we are fighting each other as to who is right or wrong, we lose sight of the problem, and in effect, perpetuate it.

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.” MLK Jr.

 

By coming at the challenge with hate and not love, we will NEVER  find peace.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” MLK Jr.

Do not get me wrong, I am just now beginning this process. It takes a concerted effort to hear “both sides” of any position. It does NOT mean I have to accept to agree with the opinions of others. It just means that I have to be mature enough to listen.
I am blessed beyond belief by a large group of friends who are looking to solutions and getting their voices heard and doing so peacefully.
I also have a group of close friends who I can count on to lift me up when I feel down. I have a wife who lives me unconditionally. I have dreams and goals and  hopes and dreams. Many have already become a reality, like writing and publishing my first book, Beyond Recovery A journey of Grace,Love, and Forgiveness. Beyond Recovery
I am eternally grateful for those who’ve gone before me and those who choose to rise above hatred and yield a sword of love in an effort to maintain and further promote peace.
I have dedicated my life into the service of others and, if in some small way, this piddly blog helps to light a fire under your own ass, then go out there and love someone. I guarantee you will feel better.
Love, Shawn