Category Archives: Mindset

How to Throw a Raging Pity Party Then Get on With Your Life

Posted on by under Belief System, Mindset, Recovery

Who doesn’t love a good party?

Especially one that has tons of people having a good time. But what about the party in our heads? You know, the ones with tons of unwelcome and uninvited guests—party crashers—AKA — Mr. Doubt and Ms. Insecurity. The worrier, the complainer, Mr. and Mrs. Guilt, and of course, their twin daughters, Shame-la and Shy-la.

Some of these uninvited guests party in our heads all day long throwing down bass-thumping beats louder than a step kids 12″ woofers on a Friday night.

Some of our uninvited guests’ party in our heads all day long throwing down bass-thumping beats louder than a step kids 12″ woofers on a Friday night. Others become squatters trying to steal our peace by never leaving. They are out of control and have turned our ideal vision of a quiet night at home into a nightmare.

How do we turn off the voices? How do we make them leave? Pull the covers over our ears? Call the cops?

How did they even get here?

Well, there’s part of the problem. Like the folklore of vampire movies, once we invite them in we indirectly and unwittingly give them permission to wreak havoc in our lives. To suck the life out of any dreams or visions we have. They are not there to build you up or encourage you to try harder. They are there to destroy you. To make you their bitch.

These voices and we all have many, are there to keep us stuck. In a pot of self-pity, worry, and low self-esteem. Their number one job is like that of the other crabs in the pot — to pull us back in, possibly costing us a claw or a leg as we struggle to break free.

It’s our own fault. After all, we smelled the bait and fell for the trap. The lure of ease and comfort to satisfy our hunger was tantalizing enough for us to slither through the small opening to feast on what we thought would be a good meal. Only one problem, before we knew it we were trapped. In the crab pot of our own mind. God forbid the other crabs should let anyone escape the confines of their self-imposed prison.

What do we do to break free? Can we call 911 and say we are trapped and need help? That’s one way, but I doubt that you could get cell service where you are—lost in a desert of self-imposed fear.

Another option is to fight and claw and try to sweep away these voices that say you aren’t good enough, that you will never amount to anything that you are not smart. You are fat and ugly or stupid and you never should have done that. Whatever that is.

You know. And you worry that others will find out who you are, nothing but a poser, an imposter living in a crowded house of negativity. Like bosses or mates or parents, the voices are haunting and continue to criticize you as they have most of your life.

Then there are your own voices. The ones you hear and see when you look in the mirror every morning. The ones you wish were different but you are not yet courageous enough to change the reflection, the perspective. So you linger awhile longer groveling in self-pity. Some of us even turn up the volume and listen louder.

No matter how many times you have tried to overcome these ill feelings and unwelcome joy parasites, they keep coming back and now they won’t leave. So, what do you do?

If you can’t beat them, join them.

If you can’t beat them, join them. Get into the muck with them and roll around like a happy pig in shit.

Feel all the angst and hurt and anger that you have been stuffing for years. Kick and cry and scream and shout. Experience your feelings as deeply as you can. Let them all out.

What? Are you serious? That’s fn crazy talk. 

Yes, it is and so are the lies you keep telling yourself and listening to as you have for years.

Yes, throw yourself a pity party. Drink deeply from the goblet of lies and guilt and shame, that tells you you are a piece of shit.

Yes, throw yourself a pity party. Drink deeply from the goblet of lies and guilt and shame, that tells you you are a piece of shit.

Know what it’s like. Embrace the disgust you feel about yourself and your decisions and think of all the reasons why it’s true. All of it. Own your thoughts and feelings. Fondle them. Curl up in a ball and cuddle them. After all, you know them better than anyone. They are your friends in the sense that they have provided you temporary comfort and relief just like the half pint of chunky monkey or a shot of tequila when you feel down. They know their role and take it seriously, but there will come a time, just as with a toddler’s binky, that you need to let them go. Sayonara. Hasta La Vista, and unlike Arnie- do not let them get the last words in: “I’ll be back.”

No torch them send them into the black hole of space like the alien invaders they are. Torch those Mfers!

Just not yet. You need to make sure they didn’t lay eggs.

Even when you think you are done feeling all the crap you can, think harder. Look into every nook and cranny searching for all the bad things you think and feel and say about yourself and own them. Play with them one last time, then say goodbye and let them go.

By the time you have exhausted everything that you do not like about yourself, you will have nothing left to tear you down, unless you choose to.

Treat them like you would a telemarketer or door-to-door evangelist — Thank you. Not interested.

Or until the next fearful moment approaches that you are not courageous enough to face it and instead deny its existence or run from it or procrastinate doing anything to stop it dead in its tracks.

Most of all as these events happen do not invite them in to visit. Treat them like you would a telemarketer or door-to-door evangelist — Thank you. Not interested. Hang up the phone and close the door on them. Better yet, don’t answer it in the first place.

How hard is that?

once you embrace your shortcomings and stop denying their existence, they lose their power over you.

It sounds super easy and even crazy but believe it or not, once you embrace your shortcomings and stop denying their existence, they lose their power over you.

So throw the biggest, baddest, pity party you can imagine, and then clean up the mess and get on with your life. Call it a retirement party or going away party or a celebration life. Whatever you decide, don’t let the voices own you.

If you would like to learn more about specific steps to move past these self-defeating and deprecating thoughts you have look me up.

 * Note I am not a psychologist and all of the advice in this post is based on shit I have done when I feel down. 

If you are deeply depressed seek professional help. This is in no way meant to minimize your pain or resolve it if you need medical and professional attention. 

For all the rest of us, give it a shot. The cathartic process of owning our shortcomings definitely weakens the grip they have on us.

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Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash



Posted on by under Belief, Courage, Inspiration, Mindset, Overcoming worry, Personal Growth, Self-Confidence

Fact: 85% of Us Suffer From Low Self-Esteem

Several studies indicate that 85% of Americans suffer from low self-esteem. That’s a huge problem. Unless you are part of the top 15% of self-actualized individuals living in a perpetual state of bliss, enlightenment, or Nirvana, there is a high probability that you, like me, suffer from occasional bouts of low self-worth or have your confidence shaken from time to time. Our confidence and self-esteem problems will not go away on their own. To successfully combat our low self-esteem, we have to not only get honest about what our problems are but may need counsel to guide us through the gnarled mess in our minds.

A Simple Science-Based and Empirically-Tested Solution for Improving our Self-Esteem

While there are many solutions for overcoming low self-esteem, one is closer than you think. Both the problem and solution can be found in one word—belief. According to Stephen Campbell and other neuroscientists, the inner critics in our heads lack discernment between fact or fiction. The brain, according to Campbell, “…believes EVERYTHING we tell it, without question, no arguments.”

This is important to understand because it validates the tired cliché, “Garbage in. Garbage out.”

Unfortunately, many of our beliefs are false. They are lies we’ve held for years, perhaps initiated by criticism from parents, bosses, teachers, or other life influences. Because our brains don’t know what to believe, the critical voices are reinforced by our negative self-talk, especially in areas related to our self-esteem and self-confidence.

This is not healthy. To the extent that we give them power over our lives, the critics in our minds are toxic.

I explore this further in the chapter about belief in my upcoming release of Ten Seconds of Boldness, The Essential Guide to Solving Problems and Building Self-Confidence.

For now, here’s some great news:

You can change if you somehow find enough courage to do so.

You may be thinking, That’s great. Tell me something I don’t already know.

How do I find courage? Good question, but a better question we must ask ourselves is why?

What does that mean and how is it related to self-confidence? It means everything.

It’s no secret that when we not only change the way we think but what we choose to believe, our world changes. Our perspective shifts as we replace outdated beliefs about ourselves with new ones.

And, according to neuroscience, everything we believe is tied to patterns we have created in our minds, to what we chose to believe.

Neuroscience expert Steven Campbell explains further:

One of the most exciting discoveries in the neurosciences is how our brain is continually creating patterns, based on what we learn during the day. It creates these patterns at night when we are asleep. And the number of patterns it creates is beyond imagination.

The latest research estimates that our brain has about eighty-three billion neurons, and each of these neurons are connected to an average of 10,000 neurons. That’s not a multiple; that’s a power! In other words, the connections, which determine the number of patterns the human brain can carry is eighty-three billion times eighty-three million, 10,000 times. It is no wonder that the scientific community agrees that the human brain is the most complex organism in the universe.

While the brain is incredibly complex, when it comes to learning new things, simple is always better. The problem, as Stephen points out, is that our brain never sleeps; it doesn’t know what is helpful or detrimental to your self-esteem. As a result, the thoughts and feelings we have throughout the day, good or bad, are on a perpetual quest to connect to similar thoughts, beliefs, or feelings in our brain. This further reinforces existing beliefs, good or bad, thereby creating patterns that will continue until challenged.

In my case, low self-esteem and self-confidence have manifested themselves in a myriad of negative thought patterns, beliefs, or emotions in my life. Here are a few examples, which are variations of thinking and behavior rooted in fear:

  • Jealousy
  • Resentment
  • Anger
  • Pride
  • Ego
  • Blame
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Micro-Management
  • Control
  • Fear of Failure
  • Fear of Making a Mistake
  • Fear of Being Wrong
  • Fear of the Unknown
  • Fear of Rejection
  • Fear of Abandonment
  • Fear of Public Speaking
  • Fear of Confrontation
  • Fear of Success
  • Fear of Death
  • Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

If you relate to any of these fears, I encourage you to read Ten Seconds of Boldness. It could be the missing link to moving you from where you are to where you want to be.

Learn more at shawnlangwell.com

Feeling Stuck?

Posted on by under Beliefs, emotional health, Goals, Inspiration, Mindset, Neural patways, Personal Growth, Relationship, Self awareness

Ever feel like you’re a human doing instead of a human being?

Are you caught in the rat race of life feeling like there is never enough time to do all you want to do?

I don’t know about you but I go through seasons in life where things seem to be clicking and all is falling into place as I would like.  I am happy and content, and then something shifts.  I say yes to too many things. I become over-extended. I want to do it all yet there never seems to be enough hours in the day. I come home exhausted, burnt-out, and have nothing left for my family.

Fortunately, there is hope and resources to help. You can learn how to “leverage your thought life to live your best life.”

It takes a concerted effort to break out of the Home-Work-Sleep routine to live life fully as, I believe, we were all intended to.

I have been invited to participate in a “Master Your Mindset” web interview series with Darcy Lubow and 8-12 other coaches, trainers, and thought leaders from around the world.

If you feel stuck and want a way to break through some of the limiting  thought patterns, false narratives, and feelings that may be holding you back from your dreams and goals then you’ll want to sign up for this free event.

It will be live July 5-11. Click below for details and to sign up…registration is FREE.

Free Master Your Mindset Web Interview Series

I hope you can join us.

In the meantime, if you’d like to receive future updates about goal setting, and achieving all you we’re intended to, please join my email list.

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Thank you for your support and encouragement.

We are all destined to leave this world a little better than it was when we came into it. Let’s do it together by starting with ourselves.

Shawn