The first step in any endeavor is always the most difficult.
For some the fear of failure keeps us stuck where we are and trying to find the courage to begin often becomes paralyzing. We think of all the things that could go wrong and may worry that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough, brave enough, educated enough or whatever.
For others, the converse is true. It may seem silly, but there are many people who are actually afraid of success.
It doesn’t matter what it is that we seek,the reality is that it takes courage to start.
When it comes to addiction this can’t be more true. Millions have vowed to never drink again or ____ (fill in the blank). Yet, for those, like me who have addictive tendencies, the day comes again when temptation and desire overpowers any modicum of self will and, once again, we’re off and running.
For me this was a vicious cycle that, though it only lasted a short time, brought me to my knees, begging for help.
When I was nearing the end of my drinking career I vividly recall the utter insanity in my head-
It was a summer day in 1986. Stoned, coked out, and drunk, my heart pounded inside my chest. I laid on my back in my 8′ x 8′ room staring at the 7′ wainscot ceiling above gasping for each breath, afraid that if I fell asleep I would not wake up.
My mind raced. Voices entered into my head as if they were speaking to me. I heard my mom telling me to get help. Others- my grandmother, my brother, and close friends and relatives, all implored me to get help. They were all talking over each other. I got scared. The room started to spin and I couldn’t shut the voices off. I put one foot on the floor hoping it would stop the room from spinning. It helped for a bit but the voices clamored on- “You need help.” “We love you!” “Hang on.” Each one seeming to call out to me like angels from on high.
I heard them but wanted them to go away. I thought I was either going insane, dying, or that I may have a problem with drugs and alcohol.
“God help me!” I cried out. “Make it stop!”
That incident was the catalyst that brought me one step closer to seeking help.
As many before me, I wasn’t done yet. I thought I could control it. I would stop for two or four days then be right back at it for another week or more.
Near the end, I recall actually going to a bar one night with the intention of getting wasted. I ordered a double-nothing. I ordered two more. Still nothing. Alcohol had stopped working.
Why? Because I was an alcoholic; I had lost the ability to control my drinking.
But I had not yet been beaten down to the point of admitting it. That would take a few more crazy episodes, one in which I literally hallucinated that my mom had called an insane asylum. They were going to put me in a straight jacket and take me away.
Eventually I gave in. I admitted lost the ability to control my drinking and checked into a 28 day rehab. That was on October 10, 1986.
After three days of detox, I was introduced to the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable.”
I was beaten and fully surrendered to taking the first step toward a journey that would change the course of my life forever. For that, I am eternally grateful.
This is the first of twelve posts, in which I will outline a portion of my experience with the twelve steps for one sole purpose- to carry the message of hope for those who still suffer.
If you or someone you know has struggled or you are currently in recovery, I encourage you to follow this series. Share it if you want. I am just another alcoholic who has not found it necessary to drink or use drugs, one day at a time, since October, 10, 1986.