Every narcissist is insecure. These gift ideas will certainly bring temporary delight to even the most demanding and hard-to-please narcissists on your holiday shopping list. Because, after all, when the narcissist is happy, everyone is happy. Right?
Every year around this time I grapple with what I want or need for Christmas and what others want. It got me thinking about others who from all outward appearances seem to have it all. The car, the home, the family, the job, the looks, etc., and yet when you look closer they are some of the most miserable people on the planet. They are the Karens and Joneses who continue to complain about how long it takes to get breakfast in a sit-down diner. They are the ones who insist that they ordered an iced late when in fact they didn’t. They are the ones who fret and fume because the line outside Best Buy on Black Friday started at 10 pm the night before and they will now miss out on that killer deal for the 200″ screen TV for $1,000. But it’s not their fault. Best Buy should’ve sent a messenger to their door to let them know when they should get in line.
Narcissists are like rats and roaches, they are everywhere. You know them. In fact, upon closer examination, there’s a little narcissist in every one of us. Yeah, that stings a little, doesn’t it? But it’s the truth.
Don’t believe me? Honestly ask yourself who you think about the most every day. I doubt it is your kids, your mom, or dad, or even your husband or wife.
According to most studies our dominant thoughts are selfish.
According to most studies our dominant thoughts are selfish. About what we want and don’t have. Well, look no further because this year I’ve created the best shopping list ever for the narcissist who supposedly has it all but is still never satisfied.
Here are the top 10 Gift ideas for narcissists or people with big egos and an inferiority complex.
1) Mirror Mirror
A mirror that reads your mind and tells you all the things about you that you want to hear.
It knows your deepest darkest secrets, fears, and insecurities, and strokes your ego so others don’t have to. It tells you all the lies you want to hear such as:
People everywhere wish they had all that you have. You are the envy of the town.
Look at those abs, buns, breasts/pecs.
In Jim Carey’s Firemarshal Bill voice it exclaims… “You’re Smokin’!”
Its built-in telepathic mind reader app even offers suggestions of people and things to gossip about or judge especially when you are having a bad hair day.
It always takes your side in an argument and never disagrees with you. Its favorite line is: People who don’t agree with you are just plain stupid. They are wrong.
2) Second Skin So Smooth
Who needs Botox or Juvéderm, this mask is so realistic nobody will even know that you have it on. Fully flexible and guaranteed to hide all smile lines and wrinkles. 100% Guaranteed to hide your wrinkly mug or your money back.
3) This is what awesome looks like T-shirts and mugs
A whole collection of color-coordinated t-shirts and mugs that say, this is what awesome looks like. One for every day of the week.
4) The Egomaniac Smart Watch (ESW)
With automatic preset affirmations to tell you how wonderful you are. It also monitors your bank account to tell you how much money you made every hour on the hour.
5) ESW Upgrade
Upgrade today and it will also monitor your energy and mood levels even preorder a triple shot mocha latte with almond milk and a hormone (Testosterone or estrogen) add shot, for those days when you just aren’t feeling on top of your game. God forbid anyone should know you are moody.
6) “Baller Roll”-Unlimited credit with no interest for five years
Move over same as cash credit programs. This will make you feel like a baller every day. Guaranteed to help you maintain your status in the eyes of others even if you are already in debt up to your a**hole.
7) Ready-made compliant employees
Low maintenance and hassle-free just like the world-famous chia pet. Simply add water, and a paycheck and give them two weeks’ vacation, and they will do whatever you ask even work overtime and never ask for a raise.
8) Ready-made bobblehead family(RMBF)
Comes preprogrammed to nod at your every demand and laugh at all your stupid jokes! Guaranteed to stroke your ego and tell you how wonderful you are and will never ever question you or your decisions.
9) Compliant teens
Upgrade the RMBF with the teenagers who will pick up their room, take out the trash, and put stuff back where they found it all without being asked. These model upgrades sell out fast so order yours today!
Bonus: Act now and we will include the full wax auto detailer for each of your kids to wash and wax your cars once a week, even on Sundays, for free just because they have you as a parent.
10) Lifetime membership to the NAONA (National Association of Narcissists of America)
Last but certainly not least, you will receive an invitation to our annual Narcissist conference and a monthly newsletter of the latest trends is selfishness and self-centeredness. The perfect gift for insecure narcissists and ego maniacs everywhere. You are so important you do not want to miss this.
There you have it. A great start to a gift list for that hard-to-please special someone.
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Photo by João Marinho on Unsplash